HALLELUJAH

Jean Dubuffet: Monument Au Fantome
Discovery Green, Houston

I have the love I always wanted. It gives me strength and freedom to offer who I am. I am glad I did not have a pet -although it might have been helpful- to distract me when I felt so hopeless and sad back in 2008. I am grateful that nothing (not even my grandmother’s voice on the phone) could fill the void in my heart. I am grateful that the fear of being “alone” was definitely much, much less than the fear of dying inside. I am grateful I did not believe in Karma. I am grateful that practicing yoga or talking to a friend still left me hungry, sometimes even emptier than before. I am grateful that God used not just anybody but a man who walked on water in the most ordinary city in the world, to inspire me to expect the unexpected in life.

Elegant, polished, spotless, unreachable, he certainly looked as if he had never broken a sweat. Perhaps, that’s the reason I never went back to see him again, for looking at him deeply hurt my soul. I am grateful, however, I did not conform to the idea of hiding my wounds as I openly cried out to God; thus, he healed me and granted me the privilege to be totally free from relying too much on people’s (including my own) perceptions. Mainly, he healed me so that I could live out who I am and enjoy myself. I am grateful for being who I am. I am grateful that I can say I am in love with Jesus, regardless of what people may think of me, because I am loved by him. Love frees me to hear his tender voice in my heart, to stay open to learn from a second grader’s poem as much as from Dostoyevsky, to know that not having a tattoo makes me neither any better nor any less cool than those who do have one, to understand that, even if I tried to, I could never be a successful “businessman”: I truly like being a happy woman.

 Hallelujah!