A BEAUTIFUL SCAR

By Dinorah Pérez-Rementería

None of us should hide the wounds…mostly when we know that acknowledging that we have been wounded can serve others to deal better with their pain. Why do we put on a mask to make people believe that everything is fine after we have already realized that it is not and that we have been hiding behind a false self for a long time? We feel pushed to adapt/react to unexpected circumstances of life, out of which an artificial person develops; a deceitful self who tries to convince us that as long as we walk together, everything is going to be alright. Many times we don’t even know that a false self is performing –on our behalf- here and there, everywhere we go. The false self squashes our energy and our heart's desires while it keeps us busy and functioning apparently well for a while.

I know a woman who grew up in a very small town. When she was seven years old, she told her grandmother that she desired to have a magic ring. Her grandmother explained that such rings did not exist, and so “the magic ring” was actually a symbol of her great imagination. The little girl cried, for she wasn’t interested in having a great imagination. She wanted to have a magic ring. One day, her father picked her up from school and, out of the blue, he notified her that she had a baby sister whom he liked for her to meet. The girl didn’t understand what he meant. She knew she had a baby brother, not a sister, at home. Where did this story come from? Her father clarified that he had had relations with a woman other than her mom. Paradoxically, the girl could not find any “imaginative” thing to say. She dared to ask for her baby sister’s name. As things turned out, neither her father nor mother was willing to divorce one another. Things got settled into a silent, blurry agreement, in which each of the family members played a role. Her father believed he had two families to care for and spend nights with while her mother thought she ought to endure the situation so that both her children grew up with their dad by their side. The girl experienced shame, sadness and confusion, especially during the occasions in which her father chose not to come home until the next morning, having spent the night with his other family. She also felt somewhat ignored when her sister began visiting the house. His dad seemed to pay more attention to her sister than he did to her. After all, her sister had perfectly straight hair and she wore it short, just as her father always wanted. The girl didn’t share what she was undergoing with her parents. On the contrary, she told herself that she would behave as if the whole situation did not exist, or, at least, did not bother her at all.

By the time she went to college, she had long forgotten about magic, imagination, and the ring. Studies somehow distracted her from worries and the feeling of shame. She discovered, in fact, that being away from home helped alleviate familiar tensions and pain. The young woman began going out with a guy in the year of her graduation. She wasn’t sure whether it was for love or an urgent need to experience how it felt to have a boyfriend. What was love after all? Love was nothing of which she was necessarily aware, and so, in the enterprise of having/keeping a man, her false self found ways to accommodate even the most unpleasant circumstances. After eight years of trying in vain to sustain a relationship, filled with mistrust, jealousy and deceit, the woman sensed that her heart needed more than “façade” and make-belief. Her heart longed for what real love could be.

What happens when we don’t live from a real center? On the outside, one may seem great, but the truth is that we are miserable inside. There comes the time in which we must choose whether we want to keep living under the influence of the false self or move away from, if not destroy, it. That is what the woman did. She smashed her false self down and let her deep wounds heal. No, she did not do it alone. But, neither was she available to be “distracted” by busyness or the friendly crowd. God, and only God, could offer the companionship she needed. She kept living by herself in the city for a few more years before returning home. Going back to town was not an easy move. Her parents had agreed to separate from each other, after thirty five years of marriage, and they were preparing themselves to learn how to face their new realities. Inevitably, a new wave of uncertainty came upon her. Now, however, she had higher hopes, and she also knew that nobody can escape from being wounded in one way or another. There will always be wounds. We are vulnerable to be wounded, as well as to wound other people, unintentionally, in our journeys. And wounds always leave scars. What we make of our scars later on is what really matters. In the long run, we are the ones responsible of choosing whether we want to continue “functioning” behind our false self by giving in our heart’s desires to duty, busyness or detrimental pleasures, and allowing the fear of judgment -and rejection- take possession of our souls. The path toward freedom is not comfortable nor is it associated to a worldly feeling of happiness, but it can be experienced as fulfilling as it is the only route in which we find our truest being.

Do you have desires, or, perhaps, a scar that can be shared with the world and that invites us to journey through your soul and learn from your mistakes? John Eldredge says, “to lose a leg is nothing compared to losing heart.” Please, don’t hide your scar, let alone if you were wounded in order to save or protect somebody else. It is beautiful. It is a beautiful scar. The false self is not as strong as you think it is. Surely, it is not stronger than you. Stop owning and start giving (your heart, your scar). Give your heart to God, first. He will show you how your scar has made you the man you are today.